Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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