We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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