Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
