you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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