After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
