I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
