he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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