They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
