so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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