I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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