If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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