I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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