if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
