After last night, I could never be a politician.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
