whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
