Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
