I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
NoShamevember. You game?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
