She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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