So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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