just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
