I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
