I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
