Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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