nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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