I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
