Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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