just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
