tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize