Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Pooping to opera.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
