I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
