so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize