Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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