I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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