I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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