i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
