My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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