I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
