i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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