There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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