A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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