wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
