I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize