best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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