im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
