Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
