I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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