I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
