let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize