I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
