I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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