there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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