I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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