My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize