i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
