Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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