That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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