She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
