When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
