Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
