i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
