I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She told me I should be a condom model.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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