you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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