he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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