i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
