Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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