Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
